I have been meaning to write for a while – but I’ve been in myriad state of affairs that have left me disturbed for a while. I’m not saying things are better. I’m not saying I’m working to make them better.
I hate options and I hate having to make decisions and I’m sure a lot of people feel the same. I’m trying to get full time work because it is eventually ‘good for my future’ but even while I write this – I wonder why I’m working on a better future when it’s just completely ruining my present? What is this divine benefit that I am going to receive that just has to give me a constant headache every day and also ensure that I shed a few tears every time I get out of the car or am sitting staring at my laptop screen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHEN DID I BECOME THIS PERSON? This person who hates going to work the next day, feels like she knows nothing and is a complete waste of space. In the last week, I must have cried some almost every day and told my mom a gabizillion times that I don’t want to go to work.
Im not saying that I hate my work. I honestly don’t. I just dislike a lot of other things associated with it. There are things I’m doing and these aren’t new concepts – but their application is new to me – I guess it frustrates me a little more than I’d like. And I think it frustrates me and annoys me more than anything when I remember where I was, where I could have been and where I am just now.
Yes, I know! There is no point stressing about all that because it’s the past and then there was the supposed future and I’m better off in the present not thinking about all those other things that have already happened or the ones that are just NOT in my control – BUT I can’t! I really cannot.
I don’t even know what I’m doing just now. I seem to be lost in space trying to find the route back to Earth. I don’t like being lost. I like knowing things. I like facts. I like knowing that 2+2 is never going to add up to 5; its always going to be 4! And I know what I like and where I want to be and what I want to be doing but because I can’t get there without having to take detours – it kills me! It kills me to have someone tell me that they think I probably don’t have the passion for what I say I do. It hurts to think ‘what if they are actually right?’ – what if the sole purpose of my life isn’t the sole purpose of my life anymore!? Did I have the wrong dream all this while? Are you saying that all that I’ve done so far to have the dream become a reality was a waste? Or is this paranoid me taking over and basically lowering my own confidence in what I am capable of achieving?
I’m tired of being positive. I’m tired of looking for the light at the end of the tunnel! There was someone holding the torch for me at the other end but that seems to have run out of battery as well. I’m so tired of the constant headache. I’m even tired of crying every time I get out of the car! I’m tired of people telling me it will be ok – If you want to say that, give me a date and time as well!! Don’t leave me hanging out there!!